Merry Christmas Sweetheart...

Progress Report

Here is an update of both our adoptions

Lydi@ - It looks as though everything has been cleared up with our case! After everything we've been through with this case, and how dire things appeared last week, this is nothing short of a miracle. We are elated! What we don't know yet is how long we have yet to wait. Our file was in the investigations department, and we aren't sure how long it will take them to turn it back over to PGN. Additionally, nobody knows yet how the new laws which go into effect January 1 will impact pending adoptions.

Baby Girl - Because of the help of many friends who started paperwork for us while we were in Guatemala (thanks a bunch to Angie, Atsuko, Tim, John, Peggy & Jeff, Randi & Scott, and General Mills folks), we were able to get all our documents notarized, certified at the Secretary of State, authenticated at the Guatemalan Consulate in Chicago and into the hands of our attorney within just days of returning to the states. He commented he's never seen anyone work so fast. We had no choice...we needed these documents to him prior to Christmas so that they could be translated and our case could be registered with Family Court in Guatemala before year end. It is our hope and prayer that we will be looked upon as an "in process" case when January 1 rolls around. Again, nobody has defined what in process means, so thousands of families are waiting on pins and needles to find out what will happen with their little ones.

We have alot to celebrate this Christmas!

Below is one more video from our 6 hours with Sofi@. Somehow we managed to take over 50 pictures and shoot about 10 videos from our camera (even though she slept a good chunk of the time!).

Lydi@ Goes for a Swim

This, again, is an older photo (probably from last summer) taken while the foster mom and Lydi@ were on a trip.

It's our only picture with her in a bathing suit. We thought it was too cute not to share.

Baby Girl Has a Name

After much thought, we have chosen a name for our second sweet baby girl.

Sofi@

Sofi@ is taken from a Hebrew word meaning "Wise" or "Wisdom."

Lydi@ Looking Ever So Cute

I'm not sure when this was taken. The foster mom returned a disposable camera we had given her and I just got them developed. She takes most of her photos from a bit of a distance. To get a better look at this sweet little peanut, double click on the photo.

I can't wait to bring this girl home!

Baby Girl #2

Here are some pictures of Lydi@'s baby sister.

Because the laws are changing in Guatemala Jan. 1 and adoptions will be shut down for a time (people who are in process--which we are with Lydi@--will be grandfathered. What we don't know is if we will be considered in process with Baby Girl #2 since we just started).

His Eye is on the Sparrow

This is a view from our balcony, a place that provided a wonderful escape amid the stress and difficulty of our week. There were mountains every direction we looked. The sky was bright blue the entire time. The most amazing thing happened every single day sometime around 5 p.m. Birds began chirping so loudly, it was almost like something from a movie. I have never experienced anything like it. This would go on for about an hour. The sound drowned out every other sound that might be heard in the city. Those of you who've been to Latin America know what I mean -- honking, mufflers, car alarms (at any given moment, there are one more of these sounding off) and the like.

Sometime around Day 3 of our trip, when it appeared everything had fallen apart and our dear daughter would not become part of our family, I was sitting on the balcony of our hotel praying. As I looked at the mountains and the vastness of what my eyes beheld, I sensed in my spirit a reminder of scripture...that He has the hairs of my head numbered (i.e. HE knows every detail of my life) and that not even a sparrow falls to the ground without his notice... and Matthew's words "And aren't you much more valuable than they?" More on the sparrows at the end of this entry.

There is so much to tell, but I'd rather not turn this entry into a novel. So I'll be brief.

Ricardo and I went to Guatemala a week ago to try and save our adoption of Lydi@. When we arrived, we were told our attorneys were planning to turn her over to the abandonment court, which meant she would be placed in an orphanage.

We spent 3 days meeting with various attorneys and other individuals to see if there was any way to resolve the issue with our case. By day four, we were looking into orphanages and trying to find a way to make sure she was placed in a private Christian orphanage where she would receive good care.

Just a day before we were to leave, a major breakthrough occurred in our case. We extended our trip for an extra day. I won't share the details in this forum, but suffice it to say God showed up in an AMAZING way and completely resolved the issue with our case. We know that many people were praying, and we believe those prayers had a big impact on what took place. We are awed, humbled, and completely overwhelmed by the goodness and power of God demonstrated on our behalf.

On another note (are you sitting down?) Ricardo and I have decided to start a second adoption. Fernanda (we plan to rename her but haven't come up with a name yet) was born November 21, 2007. This adoption is very risky since a new law has been passed which will take effect Jan. 1, 2008. At that point, adoptions in Guatemala will be shut down, at least for a time if not permanently. What we don't know is if we will be far enough along in the process with Fernanda to be "grandfathered" in under the old law.

Ricardo and I have decided to trust in the sovereignty of God. Not a "whatever will be will be" attitude, but really a posture of knowing that His sovereignty is really His power and goodness exerting His will across the earth. We will trust in His power and goodness, whatever happens in these two situations.

On Sunday afternoon, some friends of Ricardo's picked us up to take us to lunch before bringing us to the airport. As we sat eating, some "Santa" music was playing quietly in the background. Sometime into our lunch, it seemed as though someone turned up the volume, because over the speakers at a much louder volume than all the other songs had been playing, a beautiful rendition of "His Eye is on the Sparrow" came piping through. I looked around, wondering if anyone else noticed that this simple outdoor cafe was essentially playing a hymn. Nobody seemed to notice. I completely lost track of the conversation going on around me as I sat and listened to this ballad, which felt like it was meant especially for me. It was as though God was saying "See, Holli, I do see you and I do know what is going on. And you can trust Me with every aspect of your life."

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me.

We're off to Guatemala

Yesterday Ricardo and I were on the phone all day to various people in Guatemala. We have decided that our chances of getting things straightened out will be greater if we are actually "on the ground" in Guatemala. So, yesterday we decided we needed to go asap. We fly out this Sunday and will stay one week.

Please pray as we come to mind. This week will "make or break" things. We feel called to fight for Lydi@ and do all we can for her until there is absolutely nothing else that can be done. We believe she was meant for our family. We see opposing "forces." Yet, we know Who is ultimately in control and it is He who calls us to join with Him in this battle.

We are still hopeful that this will work out. We are still envisioning a future with Lydi@. But, if things don't work out as we hope, we will know we did all we could. And we will know that we can trust in a God who's ways are beyond our ways, and who is good in right in all He does.

Antigua

Photo of Lydi@ and her foster brother Luis

Several nights ago we made the decision to go down to Guatemala mid-December. I am amazed at how much better I am feeling having made that decision. I think being this far away from Lydi@ has definitely added to the stress and difficulty of everything.

We've had difficulty getting things resolved because some individuals important to our case have been out of the country (Guatemala) for several weeks. They will return next week, which will allow our attorneys to have the meetings necessary to try and understand what the issues are, and hopefully resolve them.

In the meantime, I am beginning to plan and prepare for a 6-8 week stay in Guatemala. Our going, of course, is dependent on how things pan out next week. But for now we are assuming that things are going to work out and we are planning accordingly.

Ricardo will fly down with me and stay through Christmas, and then come home. I will stay with Lydi@ until we are able to bring her home, which we believe will be 6-8 weeks. I will stay in Antigua in an apartment.

In general, Guatemala is a dangerous country, but Antigua, a quaint town that serves as both a tourist attraction and a "home base" for adoptive families, is quite safe. I already have contacts there and have been offered assistance (finding a place to live, finding a Spanish teacher, and even an invitation to a weekly Bible study!). Also, Ricardo has two good friends in Guatemala city who I can call if I need any type of help.

If you're curious about Antigua, here is a link. By the way, I'm open to visitors while there!

http://www.antiguaguatemala.com/

Thoughts on Trust

Still waiting for news.

Up until two days ago, I was doing okay in this place. Trusting that this would somehow all work out and everything would be fine.

A couple of nights ago I had a hard time falling asleep. I found myself slipping into that place of "what if?" Since then, I've been very aware again how difficult it has been for me to trust God with this.

My question right now is..."what would it look like to trust God in this situation?"

Does it mean trusting that everything will work out just fine? To me, that feels like a superficial trust. Kind of like--"I'll trust God to do what I'm telling Him to do."

Does it mean not worrying or fearing? Yet, how could any human being not be worried at this point? Not feeling would be the equivalent of denial. At this point we're not sure whether or not we might lose our daughter.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out right now is how to hold these very real human emotions, and trust Him implicitly, at the same time. That is where the tension is for me right now.

Lydi@ at 14 months

Making Headway

The biggest problem we have at the moment is a lack of clear understanding of what the problem is with our case. We have been given conflicting stories from various sources. So, before the problems can be addressed, everyone needs to come to the table with some honesty.

We are grateful to have some people on the ground in Guatemala who are ethical, caring, competent and connected. Together with them we have come up with a strategy on how to get to the bottom of this.

There are several possibilities of what is going on. Some of them are solvable. At least one of them is not. And so, we try to remain positive that this is all going to work out. I think by Friday we will know more.

Pray for Lydi@

What a hard week this has been. What a complicated situation we find ourselves in. There are so many "players," so many involved in this whole process. My heart is breaking right now. I feel like our precious and sweet little girl is a pawn as people argue over things that have nothing to do with what is best for her. It seems everyone is out for personal gain.

We believe God brought Lydi@ to our family, and that she belongs to us. And that is even more apparent as I look over the landscape of all that is going on and see that amongst the crowd associated with our adoption, we are the only ones that seem to have Lydi@ 's best interests at heart. We are her true parents.

We re fighting for Lydi@ in prayer. That is where the real battle lies. At the same time, we are fighting in the earthly realm and doing what we can do bring order to what is going on. The outcome is not in our hands, yet we trust that God will move on Lydi@ 's behalf to bring her safely to her rightful family.

"His Love Endures Forever"

This is the phrase (from the Psalms) that has been coming to mind for me over the last several days.

On Tuesday night, we received some news that was an extremely hard blow to us. If correct, the information could jeopardize our adoption of Lydi@. On Wednesday, we got more information that brought a ray of hope into the situation. Later today, we expect to have more clarification on what is going on. If need be, we will go to Guatemala next week and see if there's something we can do to straighten things out.

In the midst of this--you can imagine--my emotions have been all over the board. Sadness, fear, numbness, denial. Today, though, I am feeling hopeful.

We believe God brought Lydi@ into our family, and as it says in Isaiah 43 -- No one can deliver out of My hand, when I act, who can reverse it?

I sense the need to hold this with an open hand, while at the same time standing in a place of confidence and trust that God will bring our girl home.



The verse that has been coming to mind for me lately for Lydi@ is Jeremiah 29:11 -- For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.




We have had such a fight all along the way with this. When we are opposed, we can be sure that God must have something significant on the other side of the battle.

THE LORD STRONG AND MIGHTY, THE LORD MIGHTY IN BATTLE! PSALM 24:8

We're on the Sub Attorney General's Desk!

(caption: Please come get me mommy)

We are on the home stretch. Once he signs our file, which we hope won't take more than a week or two, we are just days from being released from PGN. (The Sub Attorney General rarely issues previos, but he can and has.)

What happens after that? Several things. A second DNA test is done. A new birth certificate is issued with Lydi@ 's new last name. A passport is issued. All of these things will take about 4-8 weeks.

It seems to good to be true that this nightmare of waiting might finally be over. We are holding our breath at the moment, waiting for a good report from the Sub Attorney General.

We're still asking for a Christmas Baby...

New Photos!

This is a typical Lydi@ expression. We love it! Her face holds the same innocence it did on our visit back in January when she was just three months. We're still not decided on what her expression is saying. Feel free to vote in the "comments" section:

A. "I am the sweetest little thing in the universe...obviously."
B. "I didn't do it. Do you think someone as cute as me would have done such a thing?!"
C. This is my doggie, not Luis's, right?

Last night a relative of the foster mom emailed these pictures to us. I had accepted the fact that no more photos would be forthcoming, and we got this wonderful surprise!

God has taken care of us in the midst of this. Our agency and our attorney parted ways early in the summer, so under normal circumstances we shouldn't have received any more photos or updates of Lydi@, or had the opportunity to send her packages.

It turns out a good friend of ours went down to Guatemala this summer for language school, and was able to visit twice with Lydi@, deliver clothes, and take photos. That was such a gift.

Then in September, some dear friends of ours went to Guatemala to pick up their son, and were able to spend 3 hours with Lydi@ and the foster mom, deliver a package for me, and take photos.

I had settled it in my heart that I wouldn't see her sweet face again until we went to pick her up, and then last night we got another new set of photos. We know that it was not a quick and easy thing to get these pictures to us (long story), but the foster mom and her relative Anna were bound and determined to get these pictures to us.

We feel very fortunate that we have contact with the foster mom; if we didn't, we literally would have received no information on Lydi@, how she is doing, how our case is progressing, or any photos since June. Even though the wait is hard, having these gifts in the meantime helps ease our minds and hearts quite alot.

Preparation

One of my very favorite pictures taken of Lydi@ (at 3 months) on our trip in January

Room ready? Check. List of things to pack drawn up? Check. List of questions for the foster mom? Check. All appropriate books read (Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, Dr. Spock, Becoming a Family--Promoting Healthy Attachments with your Adopted Child, Babywise, The Connected Child, The Whole Life Adoption Book, Toddlerwise)? Check. Stroller purchased? Check. Baby carrier? Check.

We've had far longer than anticipated to prepare. In fact, most of those books were read so long ago, I feel the need to go back and review them. I think once we're out of PGN I'll really delve into final prepations, shopping, packing, etc.

We've read alot of material on attachment. Although it may seem a bit extreme to some, we have decided to implement some things we think will help Lydi@ adjust well and attach to us. It is very fortunate that she is with a foster mother (as opposed to an orphanage) because she has had the opportunity to attach with her. Early attachment is a crucial life event. And those who have attached to someone can than transfer that to another person. Families adopting babies who have not attached have a much harder, longer challenge on their hands to make that attachment happen.

It is our goal to somewhat protect Lydi@ from alot of visitors and outsiders for a time after our return to the U.S. This, unfortunately, means no big welcoming party at the airport, and no stream of visitors through our home, at least in the beginning. I will hold her as much as possible (I found a great baby carrier where I can carry her on my hip). She will probably sleep with us (or me) for a while. We won't leave her with anyone (babysitter, etc.) for at least 4 months, and probably will not allow anyone to hold her for at least a month. These are just some of the things we've decided upon after doing research on how to help a little one attach to a "new" parent. We are hoping that these things will help Lydi@ feel safe with us and develop a strong trust and bond.

Please keep praying that things go smoothly the rest of the way through PGN. The next person to look at our file is the PGN bigwig. We want a positive determination from him so that we can bring our baby home!

Getting Closer

I just spoke to our attorney. Good news! The second reviewer has approved our file. What does this mean? First of all, we have passed through the two toughest hoops of PGN. Rarely, rarely does a previo get issued after this point. We're not completely in the clear, but very close to it :-)

Our file is now sent to an official who reviews all names and dates for accuracy (we have been told this person cannot issue a previo...whew!). After that, our file goes to the desk of the Sub Attorney General for signature. We anticipate if all goes as planned to be out of PGN in three weeks. After that, Lydi@ is officially and legally ours. We still have another month to six week wait after that while all the final touches are done (new Birth Certificate, passport issued, second DNA test, etc.).

So...it's looking like my prayer may be answered -- there is a good chance we could have Lydi@ by Christmas. Wouldn't that be something!!??

Unhappy at the Moment

As you can see, Lydi@ isn't so happy with these circumstances either!!

I am in touch at the moment with an emotion that (believe it or not) I don't feel all that often regarding this journey. For those who don't like negativity, please skip down to the next entry... you will see an adorable photo of sweet Lydi@ at her birthday party.

At my worst, I usually am experiencing sadness around how long this has taken. Sometimes, I actually feel hope and excitement. But today is one of those rare days where I'm just plain mad.

It's probably not a good idea to skim the web this way, but I find myself strangely connected to other parents out there who are in this process with us, and even find comfort in reading various blogs, albeit of total strangers. It helps me to feel less alone.

But today, all I'm seeing is "We're out of PGN." ... then another blog "We're out of PGN." And "We're out of PGN." This wouldn't all seem so unfair if their babies weren't 4-6 months younger than mine (and we didn't still have another 2-3 to go).

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thrilled for these families and the fact that they can bring their children home. Is it possible to be happy for them, and ticked off at my situation at the same time?

Word to the wise, and anyone looking at international adoption: Do your homework. Ask for references, references, and more references. You want to be sure you are working with a reputable agency who knows what they are doing, who is committed to integrity in the process, and who genuinely cares about the parents and the children they serve.

I think the bulk of delays are behind us. Now it's just a waiting game as the Guatemalan Government reviews our documents. We hope that within 3 weeks we will be out of PGN. This is all assuming we don't get another "previo," which unfortunately could add more delays.

...It felt good to get all of that off my chest.

Lydi@'s visit with Samuel

No matter that it was 11:30 p.m. and we were exhausted. Our friends emailed us some photos from their visit with Lydi@ and the Foster Mom, and we sat there for 20 minutes playing the slide show (over and over...and over).

This is a photo of Lydi@ with Samuel. Noone has quite figured out why she is poking him in the ear. We have joked about an arranged marriage. I'm not sure this is the way to win his affections.

She is wearing a darling outfit that I received at my shower (way back in February). It's a 12-months size, but she's still swimming in it. She and Samuel are practically the same size, despite the fact that she is 3 1/2 months older than him.

The little baby I cradled in my arms last January is no longer so little. I wish I could go back in time and hold her as a six month old, watch her eat her first spoonful of rice cereal at nine months and help her blow out her candle at her first birthday party. I can't regain those precious lost months. What I can do is look forward to the precious months ahead when she is once and for all ours.

Letter to Lydi@...

I'm asking God to bring you home by Christmas. I admit I'm afraid to ask. I don't want to face the disappointment. Disappointment that you aren't here, and disappointment in God not answering this prayer.

I'm trying really hard to stay in a place of trust; to be strong; to wait patiently.

But every once in a while I get tired of being strong and just want to beg God to make things happen.

Hoping. Praying. Waiting. Trusting. Aching...Hoping

Mommy

Waiting, waiting and more waiting

Photo of Lydi@ "at home" in July...








I was so anxious for today to come, because we were supposed to get more information on how our case is doing in PGN. It looks now like we'll have to wait until next Tuesday to get that information. All this waiting is killing me. But, I suppose no news is good news.

On a brighter note, yesterday some friends of ours who are in Guatemala picking up their son were able to meet with Lydi@ and the foster mom. They called us from the hotel and shared with us how darling Lydi@ was (they didn't tell us this, but we found out later from the foster mom that when they placed Lydi@ and their son on the couch next to each other, she hit him. Both Ricardo and I have a feeling that our little girl is going to have a mind of her own).

The foster mom wanted to put on the outfits I had sent along for Lydi@, so they had a little fashion show. I can't wait to see the photos. It's been a few months since we've seen pictures--I can't imagine how much she has changed.

She weighed 21 pounds at her one year doctor's appointment. She says Mama, Papa, and Agua. And she waves "bye bye." I can't believe how much she is growing...

Baby Girl's First Birthday

Eleven months ago, when we received the referral for our sweet daughter, I wouldn't have guessed in a million years that we would not have her by her first birthday. Our expectations were initially set for sometime between February and April. I prepared my mind for a worst-case scenario of sometime early summer. Here we are, hoping and praying for a Christmas Baby.

Yesterday we sang Happy Birthday (twice) to our little Lydi@ over the phone. Then we were able to hear the details of her birthday party from her foster mother (I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a bilingual husband).

Since we couldn't spend her birthday with her, it brought us some comfort to know that her birthday was not only celebrated, but celebrated with gusto.

A few of the highlights...

Spiderman pińata
A real live clown!
Lots of yummy tostadas
40 people
3 cakes
Lydi@ in a princess dress
Dora the Explorer pińata

Some friends of ours are in Guatemala this very week picking up their son, and will be meeting Lydi@ on Wednesday. We can't wait to see the photos they take, as well as the photos the foster mother is going to pass on to them from Lydi@ 's birthday party.

No new news on our case. We will know this Thursday if we passed muster with the second reviewer at PGN. After that, just one more hoop to jump through and we should be home free.

Loving you from afar

The very first photo we got of Lydi@ back in October...

This Saturday will be Lydi@ 's 1st Birthday. As she is surrounded by her foster mom, foster brother, and their relatives, she has no idea that there are two others who wish more than anything they could be the ones celebrating with her.

Hi precious one...

You don't know me yet, but not a day has gone by these last 12 months of your life that I have not thought of you.

You don't love me yet, but I have loved you since the day you were born, and my love for you grows with each passing day.

You don't know it yet, but you have a beautiful bedroom waiting for you, full of toys, clothes, and furniture handpicked with great thought and consideration.

You aren't aware of it, but I am loving you from afar. Someday you will know and understand your story, how much we longed for you. How we waited for you.

But for now, our prayer is that you feel loved and safe, that you are spoiled and doted upon on your birthday, and that your tiny heart is happy and content.

OUT!

Five minutes ago I found out that we are no longer in the minor's section in PGN. This is wonderful news! Being investigated in the minor's section adds a minimum of a month and a half to the process, possibly more.

We are back on track in PGN. The next reviewer that needs to look at our file could still issue a previo; we are hoping and praying that does not happen. It looks like we have a good chance of having Lydia home by Christmas (unless we get another previo).

I am so happy. And so, so thankful.

Limbo, dabbling and other thoughts...

I feel very much in limbo.

Having assumed we would have Lydi@ here back in the spring, I have somewhat held off on starting anything new or committing to too much. Month to month we keep expecting things to break loose. Month to month I find myself in this place of waiting.

I'm learning something about myself. I like to dabble. I learned how to play the guitar, and really enjoyed that for several years. Then I moved on to knitting. Followed by 2 years of Spanish classes, dance classes and some writing classes. I even helped design and lead a class at our church. As I look back, I realize that I really haven't gotten good at anything. But I'm learning to accept my interest in dabbling. I try something new (hopefully something with a creative element), get bored, and then move on to the next thing. I'm blessed to have a husband who actually appreciates and encourages my ever-changing interests.

I haven't signed up for any classes (although some have looked appealing) because I keep anticipating that "in just a couple of months" we'll have Lydi@ home. I finally have decided to sign up for some cooking classes which start in October (cooking appears to be shaping up to be my latest creative interest).

No new word on our case. We are expecting some news this week. We are praying for it to be good news.

SAS (Stroller Avoidance Syndrome)

Yesterday was an unusually warm day for this time of year, so Ricardo and I decided to spend the day in Stillwater. This quaint town, with an old-fashioned downtown filled with antique and gift shops, is situated on a river and is really a beautiful place to spend the day (under normal circumstances).

It seems we chose "National Stroller Day" to visit Stillwater. Everywhere I looked, it didn't matter the direction, were strollers. I couldn't walk along the sidewalk without having to side step one every few seconds. I have never noticed before how many variations of strollers there are, nor have I ever been someplace where there were more strollers than actual people! In fact, there were strollers running up and down the street that were empty and unmanned. Up and down the street they raced, mocking me as they sped by. Pink strollers, blue strollers, loud motorized harley davidson strollers.

Last night I didn't want to go to sleep, for fear I would dream about strollers who had minds and wills of their own (ever see the iRobot movie?). I finally drifted into a fitful sleep, and thankfully did not dream about strollers.

I hear that a cold front is coming, and Autumn is well on its way. This is good in my opinion as I won't have to worry about strollers again until I actually need to take mine out and use it!

Another Setback

Lydi@ and I way back in January. This is the image I need to keep before my eyes. Some day soon she will be in our arms again!

As a writer, sometimes the best place for me to sort out my feelings and figure things out is on paper. To be honest, I have a million other things to do at the moment, but I can't concentrate on anything as I can only think of Lydi@. We received some disappointing news today. Our file was sent to the minor's section in PGN. This happens when one of several things occurs: 1) the birth mother is a minor and there are some issues around that 2) the adoption is occurring because of abandonment--in which case there is due diligence to be done in an effort to locate any family members 3) there is concern over the legality/authenticity of the documents.

We are certain the first two are not the issue, so that only leaves the third. The minor's section will need to do an investigation. From what we've been told, there appears to be some type of inconsistency in one of the documents. We don't know how long this will take or what the outcome will be.

To cheer myself up, I decided to run to the Studio at Rush Creek (great little art studio/coffee shop nearby) and get an iced chai. On my way, there was a song on the radio called "How you Live."

In light of all that is going on for me today, the lyrics called out an invitation. How I live (each moment) is so important. How will I live in this moment? Will I choose to live in fear, worry and distrust? Or will I choose to live in a place of trust and confidence in the fact that God most assuredly is involved in every aspect of our lives, and that He reigns over the heavens and the earth? Pat answers just won't cut it in the hardest of places. I need the reality of who God is to penetrate to the deeper places of my soul. This is the invitation, the "good," that God promises to bring out of our times of suffering.

Lydi@

We've been asked how we came to choose the name Lydi@ for our little girl. There were multiple reasons...

• We wanted a name that was uncommon, but not weird.
• We liked the idea of a biblical name
• We wanted something that could be pronounced in Spanish
• We wanted a name that had a nice sound and that we wouldn't tire of (and hopefully that she would be happy with)

The name Lydi@ actually came into my mind one evening when I had awakened in the middle of the night. I had never considered the name Lydi@; in fact, at first I wasn't sure if I particularly liked it. I got up the next morning and went to my Bible to read about this woman who is only briefly mentioned in scripture. I liked what I saw.

On the Sabbath we went a little way outside the city to a riverbank, where we thought people would be meeting for prayer, and we sat down to speak with some women who had gathered there. One of them was Lydi@ from Thyatria, a merchant of expensive purple cloth, who worshiped God. As she listened to us, the Lord opened her heart, and she accepted what Paul was saying. She was baptized along with other members of her household, and she asked us to be her guests. "If you agree that I am a true believer in the Lord," she said, "come and stay at my home." And she urged us until we agreed. Acts. 16:13-15

There were so many characteristics I saw in Lydi@ that I really liked. Things that both Ricardo and I personally value. She was a worshiper of God. She listened to the things of God. She was someone who's heart was open to the Lord, she greatly valued community; she had a gift of hospitality. She was industrious. Also, it is said that she became a financial supporter of Paul and his ministry -- using her talents and resources to further the Kingdom of God.

Dulce (Lydi@ 's middle name) means "sweet" in Spanish and is the name her biological mother gave to her. We felt that this given name was a part of her identity, and wanted to keep it. We also felt that it so aptly fit her temperament and demeanor. If there's one thing that we could say about her personality, it is that she is most definitely sweet.

We're In!

It was confirmed today. Our case has been resubmitted to PGN. If all goes smoothly, we could have Lydia home by the end of October.

We have decided to trust in God and His timing. We are hoping that the latter part of this process will go quickly, making up for all the lost time.

We miss our precious little girl more each passing day. Yet we know that there is a purpose in the wait.

PGN

Still no confirmation that we are in PGN, but we received an email from our attorney's office today that they have resubmitted our file. So, most likely, we are in! We should know for sure tomorrow.

As we've learned throughout this process, nothing is certain until one has proof. For anyone considering international adoption (particularly anywhere in South America), here are a few tips on how the process works:

Step One: Attorney says -- "It (whatever "it" you might be talking about at the time) will be done by Friday."

Step Two: Translation - "This will get you off of my back until Friday, at which time I have the whole weekend to relax. I will pretend to be busy on Monday and Tuesday and not respond to your calls. I will get back to you on Wednesday and let you know that we had a slight problem and are certain we can have it taken care of by Friday."

Step Three - Refer back to Step One.

Good News!!! ... (I think)

(our most recent picture of Lydi@)

Ricardo just forwarded an email to me from our attorney's office in Guatemala. It sounds like they finally have the document they need to resubmit our paperwork to PGN. This, of course, all hinges on how accurately I was able to translate the email from them. I am on pins and needles waiting for Ricardo to return my call so I can be sure that I can really believe my eyes!

I feel like I could fly right now. You would think we were going to be packing up and leaving to get her next week. In reality, we still have at least 2 months to go. But I am just so relieved that our case is finally moving again. We spent an nearly 3 months at a complete stand still. It was so frustrating.

As I think over these months, I am awed at how much God has taught me. This period has been one of literally prying Lydi@ and her well being out of my hands so that I could hand her over to God. This is how God wants me to be as a mother. Loving Lydi@ like crazy, caring for her to the best of my ability, and then trusting her to God. There is a profound lesson in all of this for me.

I find myself far more at peace these days in regards to all of life. God is in control, what have I to fear?

Mysterious Ways of God

I had an "aha" this morning as I was taking a walk and thinking about our situation...

Just because this has been difficult and jam-packed with obstacles does not mean that:

• God is not answering our prayers
• God is not actively involved in this

We've been praying hard since day 1 for a smooth and fast process. We've had anything but that. It's caused me to wonder if my prayers really matter in this situation, and whether God is taking the time to intervene on our behalf.

But as I walked this morning, I realized that there are a myriad of things that have happened in the midst of this that have God's handprints all over them. He has put us in touch with a number of people who are in a position to advise and help us. We've been able to find out far more information than a typical adoptive family would because of these contacts.

God knew even before He created our Lydi@ that He wanted her to be a part of our family. He also knew we were going to wind up with the agency and attorney we have, and the issues we have.

When things are hard, we sometimes wonder where God is in it all. What a good reminder to myself (which can be applied to all of life) that God's purpose in our lives isn't to make everything easy. If it were, we would be tempted to live independently of Him. And that, at the end of the day, would be the very worst thing for any of us.

All of this is a great relief to me. I don't need "easy." What I need is to know, down to my toes, that God is intimately involved in all the aspects and details of my life. And today I was reminded by Him again that He most certainly is.

"You are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Psalm 139:3

Trust and Rest

(Lydi@ showing Mommy and Papi her two teeth!)

Nobody told me that this process could get so messy. Nobody told me that I would put my heart out on the line and have it dangling there for so long.

There isn't enough room on this blog to explain all the difficulty we are having with our case (I guess even if there were, I probably wouldn't put the information here.). That said, we can't believe how hard this has been.

I suppose if things had happened lickity-split I might have made the erroneous assumption that bringing a child into your family is as simple as snapping your fingers. Not so. This is a child--a little life--not a puppy.

So, we march on. We literally feel as though we are fighting for Lydi@. As hard as this has been, and as anxious as we are to get to the other side, something about that feels right. All of this will be part of her story. You were wanted. Desperately wanted.

Last night I started to feel anxious again. This morning I hear His still small voice calling me to trust Him. I have been thinking this morning about the correlation between trust and rest. When I think that this is all up to me and fail to bring God into the equation, my heart becomes anxious and heavy. But when I place this in His hands, and come to that place of complete trust, my heart is at rest. This is where He wants me to stay.

I teeter back and forth between anxiety and trust. Isn't this the journey we are all on, no matter our life circumstances? God says to each of us "Trust Me."

(parenthesis)

Believe it or not, just as I finished typing the words "Trust Me" the phone rang. I don't normally pick up "anonymous caller" calls --but this time I did. It was my little precious angel ...calling me! We have a lovely foster mother who calls us at least once a week. I just finished listening to Lydi@ coo and giggle for a good five minutes.

Ahhhh (translation--deep sigh of relief). She is safe and well.

Mommy and Papi ...Thank you for the walker you had Sara bring to me. I love it! It has all sorts of buttons, lights and things that make noise. Sara and I had a good visit. She saw my two teeth and my elaborate shoe collection (including my hot pink crocks!). She also prayed over me...and prayed that I would come home soon. I miss you!

Lydi@

"To visit or not to visit, that is the question"

People have been asking me if I plan to go and visit Lydi@ again. I have thought it through and decided it wouldn't be the best thing for her to take her from what she is familiar with, keep her with me for a week, shift her back to her Foster Mom, only to come again a few months later and force her to transition again. But what I realized today is that there is another reason I don't want to go, one I wasn't really aware of until now.

If I go and hold her in my arms again, there is no way I'm leaving without her.

And since right now we don't have a timeline of when this tangled mess of a process will be straightened out, that could mean renting an apartment for an undefined amount of time in Guatemala. And since my husband's friends who live there do not have a bulletproof car or bodyguard to spare (yes, they have both), he is not too keen on me going to such a dangerous place alone.

On a brighter note, our friend who is in Guatemala for language school has been able to visit Lydi@ twice, and give us reports on how great she is doing. Having her see Lydi@ is the next best thing to our being able to go.

Labor Pains

Although I haven't carried our daughter in my womb, nor did I go through the experience of physically bringing her into the world, I am learning that the adoption process carries its own labor pains.

I bypassed the morning sickness and uncomfortable sleeping positions, I know. But those coming by children the "natural" way actually know (within reason) when they will be able to hold their little ones. Yes, the moment of birth is painful to say the least; but, it is (generally) short lived. And at the end, "voila!" you have your baby.

Our little girl's room was ready to go in January. It's difficult walking by, peering in at the pink walls and empty crib. I finally had to stop buying clothes in anticipation of her arrival, because she kept outgrowing them.

Today is her 10 month birthday. Our case is tangled up in limbo at the moment, we are just hopeful that she might be home by her first birthday. But we have no way of knowing.

She is already crawling. She has two teeth. She's eating solids.

Our landing place in all the uncertainty is the sovereignty of God. He sees our situation, and He has not taken His eyes off of Lydi@ for one minute. What gives me comfort is knowing this, and remembering that one day, soon enough, this beautiful little angel will be in my arms. And that in the meantime, we can rest in the fact that she is cared for, safe, and well loved by her foster mom.